a novel argument against “love Marriage” from Nepal.

Summary: Nepal has a system in which people get either an “arranged marriage” or a “love marriage.” This blog was originally written in 2012 but I dusted it off due to new developments. (http://www.myrepublica.com/news/10604)   In 2012 I got some interesting junk email. It was amazing and I thought I would share so that everyone could enjoy. I think it is a window into Nepali culture in the present day. I invite my Nepali friends to comment as to whether it is true or false…..

Note: the indented sections are from the email. I added my own comments, which are the ones not indented.

Arranged Marriage versus Love Marriage

Fact: divorce is rare in Nepal. I learned long ago that if you are with three Nepalis and the conversation goes into a lull, all you need to do is to solicit opinions as to arranged vs love marriage, and you will be supplied with conversation for eight hours.

Here goes:

A Big Scandal Prevailing In Nepal. Be aware. Sabadhan. Please forward this to all Nepalese people you know. It can become a great help to them too.

SabadhanBeAware dot blogspot dot com http://SabadhanBeAware.blogspot.com/

A Big Scandal Prevailing In Nepal. Be aware. Sabadhan. Previously unreal women from Africa were dangerous. But now many real women from Nepal have become more dangerous than those unreal women. The parasites are eyeing for you, don’t fall a prey of this scandal. Especially those Nepalese living abroad – who are unaware of the scandal prevailing in Nepal.

Nepalese women following you up regularly and showing you extreme love on the internet sites, phone or other communication means, can have a completely different intention and can be a very dangerous effect on your life in the future. The women who are actually facing difficulties in the remote parts can never get access to the law but the spoilt kind of women specially in the capital and the cities have made this into a great business to earn quick fortune. Nepal is the only country in the world with the law – where parental property (aanksha) needs to be divided to the wife (daughter in law). With the help of this law some cheats have made a great fortune – and some others are in the process. And there may be behind these women – a few UNIQUE kind of seudomists in black coats (lawyers) pre planning the great grand design to loot you and destroy your life, driving the conspiracy.

Yes, this is a warning, perhaps on par with the preventative measures so you don’t catch A.G.E. or malaria!

Warning – don’t read the list of magic spells below or you might accidentally fall in love!

The planners are the people well versed with law – operating the scandal. Types of language and body language, these kind of women may use to convince you, to love and marry them –

 I love you very much and won’t leave you for the entire life.

 Drink a lot of water and take care of your self.

 If anything happens to you I shall kill myself.

 If I don’t get you in life I shall suicide.

 If you marry me I shall obey everything you say and will always walk your way.

 I shall serve you my entire life and obey everything you order.

 This is all because I love you.

 You are the only person I have loved, there is no one else in my life and no one else shall ever come in my life apart from you.

 It is so pleasant to hear your voice, please keep calling me.

 Take proper care of yourself, take food in time.

 The whole day I wait for your message.

 The whole night I remembered you and wanted to love you.

 My life is sacrificed to you and only you.

 I shall cover you with a blanket and keep you warm throughout the night.

 I have cooked food but don’t want to eat alone, I would like to feed you first then eat.

 Through out the life we shall be together – I shall never leave you.

 I want to sleep in your arms and love you all night.

 My love, my dear, kiss, pappi etc

 I have become crazy for you, I love you from deep inside my heart and Oh God I don’t understand why I love you so much, I have decided I cannot live without you.

 Please take care of yourself – don’t trouble me by not taking proper care of yourself.

 I became ill continuously thinking of you.

 I don’t understand how I became so close to you – oh god – I can never forget you.

 I love you more than everyone in the world and second is my mummy.

 Please come near me I am not well – I only remember you.

 I have become crazy for you, my breath, my heart.

 I love you as much as the sky and as much as the mud in the world.

 Apart from you there is no one else in my life – it’s you and only you.

 I man not the kind of girl who mingles with men but I don’t know how I fell in love with you.

 You are my first into last.

 I want you to love me only and no one else since I only love you and no one else.

 Etc, etc, etc

He makes it sound as though each phrase above is from Satan’s Bible!

They use a continuous artificial smile while talking to you and may cry in between to show how much she wants you. And will use several other body languages to convince you. The language and the body language they use is a well rehearsed training they have had, and it’s not just you that they are using this too – they might be simultaneously using this technique to a dozen of men like you.

This kind of women will follow you continuously, can be for years too, until you get married to them. They will have enchanting methods to convince you, well panned and well trained. To convince you she might use words like, ‘I hate people who lie, who steal and who cheat others.’ And, ‘People are selfish so don’t believe everyone – I am the most truthful person you can find.’ To show you that she is a truthful person.

AND THEIR BUSINESS STARTS AFTER MARRIGE :- The crop is ripe. Now is the time to harvest the crop – of all the long effort of following up and the disguise of love. After marriage they try to gain as much of wealth from you politely and lovingly. They enquire for all your assets and your precious things. Then she will start a little quarrel. Call few relatives of people which is pre planned and they will blame you of abusing her. The women will cry loudly saying, “I cannot stay with this man he does not love me”. They will blame you of beating her – trying to destroy her life. She will blame that you have a psychological problem, is impotent and has had no physical relation after marriage (so that she can catch another guy), etc etc. Then she files a divorce case in the court asking for alimony and aanksha (property). With the help of the lawyer who may be key planner of this scam. After leaving you she floats in the market as an unmarried women looking for other prey.

As per the law of Nepal you will need to give her half of you earning as alimony till the court divides your entire belongings and your parental property and hands over to her. It can amount to more than multi million. This is the quickest way for women in Nepal to get rich. So it’s time for all Nepalese men to be aware of this scam. There is only prevention but no cure.

fortunately, there is a remedy –

Precautions to be taken before marriage –

 First check if the women is previously married and divorced, from the district courts of all the cities she has lived in. She might have already married and looted someone else like you before. And may be pretending to be never married women.

 Be cautious if an unknown women suddenly becomes too much attracted to you and proposes you to get married.

 Be careful to date until you know her completely – she might take you to any lonely place and gather people there to be the witness, and force you to get married to her.

 Verify her actual house where her parents live and the neighbors there about her.

 If you find that the women is a divorced women and is pretending to be a never married women complain to the police immediately.

 Check at the police station about her records. It is now high time to spread this information to all friends you know. Lets all join hands to identify these scammers and put them behind the bars.

Please email at “bhitrisamachar@gmail.com” to show that you would like to be a part of help through your ideas, how to get this scam eliminated from the Nepalese society. Your suggestion shall become a great help to the society and the country as a whole.

UPDATE Dec 7th, 2016

The parliament is evidently now considering an amendment to the law governing divorce in Nepal, and the proposal would add some new factors to the divorce laws. Here is the link: http://www.myrepublica.com/news/10604

“Divorced women may not get property share in new Code”

“Keeping in view the fact that men are being victimized because of the unequal provisions of the law, we have suggested more equal provisions,” said sub-committee coordinator Radheshyam Adhikari. “A woman will get a share of the husband’s property either if the treatment by her husband is found to be intolerable or the husband himself seeks a divorce in spite of the  wife being of proper conduct.”

  • Men also can directly file for divorce
  • 20 proposed as minimum age of marriage for all
  • NRNs would have property rights in Nepal
  • Will system for paternal property after 16 years

The proposed revision also suggests providing a one-year reconciliation or cooling-off period  if the wife or husband declines a divorce. “But if both agree to a divorce, the court may allow them to separate within a day,” he said.

If you got this far


Nepal is Hindu and Buddhist. This novel explores the issue of how people reconcile with anger and violence in a country known for peace and love.

The holidays are coming. Here’s a great gift idea if you have a family member interested in Global Health or Nepal or both.  It tells the story of a Nepali woman who marries an American guy. It’s a rollicking adventure tale. https://www.amazon.com/Sacrament-Goddess-Joe-Niemczura/dp/1632100029


About Joe Niemczura, RN, MS

These blogs, and my books, and videos are written on the principle that any person embarking on something similar to what I do will gain more preparation than I first had, by reading them. I have fifteen years of USA nursing faculty background. Add to it fifteen more devoted to adult critical care. In Nepal, I started teaching critical care skills in 2011. I figure out what they need to know in a Nepali practice setting. Then I teach it in a culturally appropriate way so that the boots-on-the-ground people will use it. One theme of my work has been collective culture and how it manifests itself in anger. Because this was a problem I incorporated elements of "situational awareness" training from the beginning, in 2011.
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13 Responses to a novel argument against “love Marriage” from Nepal.

  1. April says:

    There should be another article about Nepali guys in USA cheating their Nepali girlfriends/wives who live in Nepal.

    • okay, you may be correct, but alas, I am not able to write such an article. I am not qualified. if there is anybody out there who wishes to comment, you are invited to send your ideas to me!

      • April says:

        I know many guys who have non-Nepali girlfriends here in USA and Nepali girlfriends in Nepal. They aren’t even ashamed to boast about it here but try to keep it a secret from people in Nepal. Having more than one girlfriend and changing girlfriends frequently, just for fun, has become a trend among Nepali guys here. There might be very few guys who would disagree with me on this if they are given a chance to reply anonymously. I can’t disagree with your saying that there are women who do such acts, but the number of girls doing so is very less compared to that of guys. I can be confirmed about this on the basis of my experience of 18+ years in Nepal. In Nepal if a girl does something bad then that becomes a huge issue but if guys do something bad then also no one cares to talk about it. For e.g. if a girl smokes then they make it seem like she is a horrible person and when a guy smokes its just that the guy is cool (I am not trying to speak in favor of female smokers though). I hope you know that the “magic spells” that you have mentioned above are used equally by Nepali guys to impress girls. Even in my own experience I must have have met at least 10 guys who tried to be my “friends” just because I study in USA and they somehow hope that I will bring them to USA(they try to use the same “magic spells”. These days girls/women like me don’t fall for such “spells” as we are more careful now because these days it is taken as a fact that many (not all) guys will try to impress you for their benefits). There are a lot of guys who said that they are in “love” with me JUST because I came to USA for my studies. A lot of guys are suddenly so much interested in knowing me better, while they never even spoke to me when I was in Nepal. One guy recently told me that he is not interested in being my friend not just because I study in USA (even if I never mentioned about anything like that….He knew guys try to date girls who live abroad with the sole purpose of getting out of Nepal, wherever it may be). However, I can’t deny that it’s not just guys but a few of my female friends from Nepal who I wasn’t in contact with for years started pretending like I am their best friend after I came here. There are a ton of Nepali guys running after foreigner girls/girls who live abroad in the hope of marrying them and going abroad. When I was in Nepal my family used to serve as a host family for international volunteers who came to Nepal to help orphans and disabled kids. I don’t think there was any young foreigner girl who I met in Nepal who wasn’t approached by Nepali guys using the above mentioned “magic spells”. I don’t know about how long you have lived/have been living in Nepal but I am pretty sure you would agree with me on this even if you may have lived in Kathmandu for a few weeks and have known just a few Nepali guys and a few foreigner girls (esp. the ones from USA, UK, Canada and Australia). People think its just too common/normal for Nepali guys to act like that and its not and issue, but if some women follow this trend then we get to read articles about how dangerous the girls from cities in Nepal could be. This article is informative and I didn’t mean to discourage you but this is just half truth. Half knowledge is dangerous.

      • Love this.

        A reminder, I did not write the original posting, I was reprinting it from the source.

        There are many areas that overlap here – the role of women; the double standard; arranged marriage; status and caste; dowry; and of course the eternal search for love and belonging, etc etc etc – where to start!

        I know Nepali guys who watch porn from USA and they think every woman is “easy” esp if they have blond hair like the porn stars.

        I wish I had the answers, but at least we are describing the real situation…..

  2. Gaynor Sheahan says:

    I agree with everything April has said. She’s expressed the reality very well. Having lived in Nepal for over 7 years and been back for short term trips I would say the evidence for Nepali men behaving in a deceitful way for their own advantage is greater than Nepali women doing so. When I took my daughters with me to Nepal this year I warned them that they had an invisible stamp on their forehead, announcing “Ticket out of Nepal” to all unscrupulous Nepali men. The less savoury invisible stamp says “Porn Star”. In fact, I have never heard of the scam mentioned in your blog, Joe. I would be interested in seeing real evidence of it – I suspect it comes down to 2 or 3 anecdotes and is probably an urban myth passed around by indolent educated middle class Nepali men who expect women to worship them and be grateful for any morsel of attention. Most Nepali women are just trying to survive, and the educated women (within Nepal and living/studying overseas) are just trying to make the most of their opportunities to escape the poverty, domestic violence, transmission of HIV from adulterous husbands working in India, and appalling gender inequality. I thank God for the decent Nepali men and women, like April’s parents, who work to make Nepali society a better place.

  3. Gaynor Sheahan says:

    P.S. I would be interested to know if such a law exists as described by the blogger. A law that gives a daughter in law half the property of the parents on divorce? Really??

    • Thank you for this.

      I have no idea whether there truly is such a law or as to whether this is what it says. For me, I tend to associate with a category of career-oriented people when I am there.

      Can anybody in the country verify this for me?

      • Gaynor Sheahan says:

        I just can’t imagine a legislature in Nepal passing such a law. A country in which illiterate women have consent for surgery discussed with their husband or in laws? All those mainly rich men in Parliament passing a law in which their daughter in law would get half their property on divorce? Think about it. You wouldn’t get such a law through even in more gender equal legislatures such as Sweden, US, UK, Australia. It certainly fails the common sense test anyway.

  4. Suraj says:

    What about the Nepali middle age men, Who are retired from government job, hold MS, PHD, coming to the U. S. for Conferences and then apply asylum? That is OK, I guess. But what about them, wooing citizen women; including happily married Citizen women for paper. And it is also quite interesting, their wives back in Nepal forcing them to marry asap. So that, after 3 years once he will get citizenship, divorce and get married with her again. This is happening very frequently now-a days.

    • I would like to see some actual data on this. The steps for a US citizen to marry a Nepali include checking to verify whether they are already married in the home country. If so, it is not legal in USA.

      O, the affairs of the human heart!

    • THANK YOU for providing this excellent link. I highly recommend it too anybody looking at gender roles. On that article, I see that many comments were being made by advocates – i.e., lawyers – who are familiar with the ins and outs. I appreciate the insight they bring.

      For me, I am in favor of changing the way women are treated in society. There are genuine issues that get in the way of happiness.

  5. Hope says:

    This article has shed light on the roller coaster ride of mind games that I experienced when I became a host family for a Nepali grad student studying here in America. He was on one hand endearing, shy, quirky… yet appallingly cruel, manipulative and misogynistic. I tried to help him assimilate into American culture but found myself at the threshold of hell!

    I came across this article because he recently got married to an Americanized Nepali girl, (I didn’t receive an invitation) and the years I hosted him he always talked about marrying a “quirini” (white girl) in order to get his green card. He even told me later that he would have used me toward that end – if I were willing to divorce my husband! He eventually got his citizenship through the Army Mavni program, but not without my help as a reference. The more I supported him, the more disrespectful he became, unappreciative of all I gave, never reciprocating, and I began to think he was bipolar, or at the very least, an entitled spoiled brat. Looking back, I remember him saying things about women like “she didn’t obey me” and “I trapped her thru chat” and “she was under my spell from day one”… I guess I felt sorry for him because he said before coming to America his girlfriend at KU turned down his proposal of marriage. I’m guessing that was a pity ploy now, I’ve caught him in some major lies. He even said his aunties wanted to poison him as a boy. (I’m beginning to believe that one though!)

    He was in a higher caste… that entire system is unconscionable to me! When I attended his graduation, he refused to introduce me to his parents and sister who traveled far to see him, as if I were someone to be ashamed of… perhaps an “untouchable” in his eyes. I would have gone to them myself but the shock of his cruelty froze me, probably exactly what he intended.

    I’m wondering now if he is personality disordered, or if this is a result of conditioning by parents of higher caste, or just Nepali culture in general. I suppose I romanticized Nepal because the Buddha is from there. Ironic that my most toxic experience ever – came from the land of Siddhartha! I won’t let it taint my view of all Nepalese… but it sure was a wake up call. I hope and pray his young bride has a much healthier experience with him than I did.

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